Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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