You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
