Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
