Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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