Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize