so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
