did you get engaged???
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Randomize
