Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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