I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
