Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
