I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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