i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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