The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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