Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
