Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
