Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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