and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
