please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
