Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
