No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
