her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Floor bacon is actually really good
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
