I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
