Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
