I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
