Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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