Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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