I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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