I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
