i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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