I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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