Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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