someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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