Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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