if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
