shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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