i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
