I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
