Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
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