Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
