DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
