Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
me + whiskey = a bad person
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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