The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
