Porn is love you can see.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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