When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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