Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm always down for nudity.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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