I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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