By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
