I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
