There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
