So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
