I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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