Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
