Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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