Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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