We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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